When people find out I'm a film major, they normally do one of two things: they either feign excitement and say something thinly veiled like "Oh, that's cool" or fill my head with a list of movie recommendations.
Actual questions addressed to me once people found out I study film:
"Have you seen Ninja Assassin?"
"You haven't seen the Harry Potter movies? But you're a film major!!"
No, I have not seen any of the Harry Potter movies. And no, I have not seen fucking Ninja Assassin.
But I go around, every day, with my elitist attitude, shoving my artistic tastes and preferences down other people's throats. I cavort that my taste is the best and you are beneath me if you haven’t seen The Virgin Spring.
But what is the point of continually recommending movies and music to your friends if you do not trust their own tastes? Am I merely trying to make them more like me? That would be terrifying, an entire horde of Jeff Millers running around out there yelling at girls who like Animal Collective.
So as to be fair and balanced, and to broaden my appreciation, I have decided to take some people up on their recommendations. The first recommendation I’ve taken up is the 1989 movie Road House, starring Patrick Swayze and directed by Rowdy Herrington.
Actual questions addressed to me once people found out I study film:
"Have you seen Ninja Assassin?"
"You haven't seen the Harry Potter movies? But you're a film major!!"
No, I have not seen any of the Harry Potter movies. And no, I have not seen fucking Ninja Assassin.
But I go around, every day, with my elitist attitude, shoving my artistic tastes and preferences down other people's throats. I cavort that my taste is the best and you are beneath me if you haven’t seen The Virgin Spring.
But what is the point of continually recommending movies and music to your friends if you do not trust their own tastes? Am I merely trying to make them more like me? That would be terrifying, an entire horde of Jeff Millers running around out there yelling at girls who like Animal Collective.
So as to be fair and balanced, and to broaden my appreciation, I have decided to take some people up on their recommendations. The first recommendation I’ve taken up is the 1989 movie Road House, starring Patrick Swayze and directed by Rowdy Herrington.
The film is about Dalton (Patrick Swayze), a bouncer who travels to a small town in Missouri. He uncovers a corrupt businessman controlling the city, and sets out to take him down.
One of the most glaring problems with the movie is the characterization. Many of the characters are flat and two-dimensional. Example: after being cut in a knife fight, Dalton informs club owner Tilghman that he wont fly because “it’s too dangerous.” Listen, Rowdy Herrington – this does not show that your character is well rounded; this shows that your character is an idiot. But to prove that Dalton isn’t an idiot, he is inexplicably given a past that includes a Philosophy degree from NYU. Dalton sums up his insane values with three words that will echo throughout eternity:
One of the most glaring problems with the movie is the characterization. Many of the characters are flat and two-dimensional. Example: after being cut in a knife fight, Dalton informs club owner Tilghman that he wont fly because “it’s too dangerous.” Listen, Rowdy Herrington – this does not show that your character is well rounded; this shows that your character is an idiot. But to prove that Dalton isn’t an idiot, he is inexplicably given a past that includes a Philosophy degree from NYU. Dalton sums up his insane values with three words that will echo throughout eternity:
And if that clip wasn’t enough to convince you of Swayze’s acting props (R.I.P., I’m not trying to stomp on graves here) then check out the emotion his face is capable of:
Dalton’s love interest is no better. Elizabeth Clay looks like any other love interest in a 80s movie (straightened blonde hair, blue eyes).
How do you add depth to a character like this? Give her glasses and make her a doctor! (‘Cause the hot doctor card has never been played before…)
This brings up another problem with the movie. ALL OF THE CHARACTERS LOOK THE SAME. Don’t believe me? Look at the females in this movie:
THIS ACTUALLY HAPPENS IN REAL LIFE.
If this isn’t enough evidence for you, check out middle-aged white guys with graying hair and receding hairlines:
If we can meet these guys halfway on anything, it’s the fashion. This movie would not be the same without the incredibly suitable fashion:
Anyway, let’s get on with this mess. The film opens as Dalton is running shit at the bar Bandstand when Frank Tilghman, the owner of the Double Deuce, approaches him about cleaning up his joint. Like any kind-hearted, understanding, and not-at-all-selfish person would do, Dalton leaves Bandstand right away at the prospect of more money.
When Dalton arrives at the Double Deuce, he finds out that it is pretty much the most disgusting place in the world. Guys grope young girls, waitresses sell drugs in the bathrooms, the band plays on a fenced-in stage, and each night ends in a brawl that looks like this:
When Dalton arrives at the Double Deuce, he finds out that it is pretty much the most disgusting place in the world. Guys grope young girls, waitresses sell drugs in the bathrooms, the band plays on a fenced-in stage, and each night ends in a brawl that looks like this:
Also:
SPOILER ALERT: it originally said ‘fuck.’
Impressed (and not at all terrified or disgusted) with the debauchery, Dalton decides to take the job and rents a room from the bearded, dime-store-philosopher Emmet. Dalton sets up three rules that all the bouncers need to follow so that they can make the Double Deuce one big happy family again:
1. Expect the unexpected
2. Take it outside
3. Be nice (even if your mama is a whore)
None of these rules, by the way, will keep you from getting your ass kicked in a fight. If anything, they’ll probably just make you look like an overanalyzing bitch that is trying to prolong the inevitable by taking the fight outside. But Dalton follows these rules, and he’s the absolute shit, so they must work (And oh do they work!).
Dalton then proves how intelligent and attentive to detail he is by discovering all sorts of inappropriate behavior in the Double Deuce, including a bartender who is skimming from the register, and a bouncer who might be having sex with underage girls on his breaks. (This is definitely a serious issue and should not have been handled so lightly, Road House.)
Back at home, Dalton’s noisy neighbor is business mogul/midnight-skinny-dipping-sessions-at-my-house/gray-haired, receding hairline white man/antichrist Brad Wesley. Wesley might be the most evil man alive, or he might just be the most evil man in Road House.
The next morning, Carrie Ann, the charming waitress from the Double Deuce, brings breakfast to Dalton. Dalton is still cranky because he wasn’t invited to the pool party the night before, but we do get to see his ass:
1. Expect the unexpected
2. Take it outside
3. Be nice (even if your mama is a whore)
None of these rules, by the way, will keep you from getting your ass kicked in a fight. If anything, they’ll probably just make you look like an overanalyzing bitch that is trying to prolong the inevitable by taking the fight outside. But Dalton follows these rules, and he’s the absolute shit, so they must work (And oh do they work!).
Dalton then proves how intelligent and attentive to detail he is by discovering all sorts of inappropriate behavior in the Double Deuce, including a bartender who is skimming from the register, and a bouncer who might be having sex with underage girls on his breaks. (This is definitely a serious issue and should not have been handled so lightly, Road House.)
Back at home, Dalton’s noisy neighbor is business mogul/midnight-skinny-dipping-sessions-at-my-house/gray-haired, receding hairline white man/antichrist Brad Wesley. Wesley might be the most evil man alive, or he might just be the most evil man in Road House.
The next morning, Carrie Ann, the charming waitress from the Double Deuce, brings breakfast to Dalton. Dalton is still cranky because he wasn’t invited to the pool party the night before, but we do get to see his ass:
And Carrie Ann’s reaction to Swayze ass:
This scene could have been used as exposition for both of these characters, and as an introduction to a possible sexual tension/romance between the two. After all, Carrie Ann might be the only legitimate good soul in this abysmal, soulless, evil town. Instead, Dalton favors the blonde with the big tits and the Doctor glasses. Good choice, screenwriters!
Dalton passes Wesley on the freeway, driving recklessly and carelessly switching lanes with complete disregard to other drivers. This is so evil. Brad Wesley, with his late night pool parties, sweet ATV, and super fun driving habits, is the epitome of evil.
Later on, Wesley shows up at the Double Deuce to reinstate the bartender, who happens to be his nephew (how do people breed in this place, btw? it seems like everyone is related to everyone). Inevitably, a brawl breaks out and Dalton gets hurt and has to go to the hospital. It is here that he meets the love of his life, Doctor Elizabeth Clay. He promptly invites her to come by the Double Deuce. Wait just a minute. You’re romantically interested in this girl, and you invite her to the hostile, repugnant, slimy environment where you work? It’s called class, Dalton. UGH.
Next we meet Red, who is Doc’s uncle and owns an auto shop. He is robbed every week. UMMMMM WHERE IS THE LAW ENFORCEMENT?? This is not feudal Japan or the American West, this is the 1980s, people.
CUE THE 80s HAIR:
Dalton passes Wesley on the freeway, driving recklessly and carelessly switching lanes with complete disregard to other drivers. This is so evil. Brad Wesley, with his late night pool parties, sweet ATV, and super fun driving habits, is the epitome of evil.
Later on, Wesley shows up at the Double Deuce to reinstate the bartender, who happens to be his nephew (how do people breed in this place, btw? it seems like everyone is related to everyone). Inevitably, a brawl breaks out and Dalton gets hurt and has to go to the hospital. It is here that he meets the love of his life, Doctor Elizabeth Clay. He promptly invites her to come by the Double Deuce. Wait just a minute. You’re romantically interested in this girl, and you invite her to the hostile, repugnant, slimy environment where you work? It’s called class, Dalton. UGH.
Next we meet Red, who is Doc’s uncle and owns an auto shop. He is robbed every week. UMMMMM WHERE IS THE LAW ENFORCEMENT?? This is not feudal Japan or the American West, this is the 1980s, people.
CUE THE 80s HAIR:
Rather than calling in the Feds, Dalton calls in Wade Garrett (who is “the best” but who is also “gettin’ old”). ‘Cause one man is not enough to take down a crime lord, but two is just right. Goldilocks, effect, y’all.
So Doc and Dalton begin to date, and she tells him that his life is not too ugly for her. Uhhhh how so? He beats men up for a living and is getting stabbed on a regular basis. If I were a woman, this is exactly the type of guy I would be trying to avoid. No thanks. On a more serious note, what sort of message does this send women? That as long as your man has wavy hair and practices tai chi, it’s totally ok that he is a brute who uses violence daily to earn his dollar. I get that Dalton is supposed to be a human, and as such deserves happiness. But I really don’t see their relationship ending in anything other than violence, or at least destroyed dreams.
Dalton is picked up and brought to Wesley’s compound for a job interview (‘cause if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em?). We learn that Wesley’s grandfather was an asshole and that Wesley is responsible for bringing a series of big chain stores to the small town. Wesley reveals that he knows of Dalton’s dirty past, and tries to blackmail him into a job. When Dalton refuses, Wesley shuts off alcohol distribution to the Double Deuce.
Inevitably, we learn (from the blind guy, who is naturally more observant than everyone else) that once upon a time Brad Wesley had a thing for Elizabeth Clay. (Hey Doc – you need to reevaluate your taste in men, its godawful.) When Dalton calls in a shipment of alcohol to save the Double Deuce, Wesley’s thugs intercept the truck and beat up Dalton. But just as our hero is on the brink of defeat, Wade Garrett (Sam Elliott) shows up and tells a guy that he sure ain’t gonna show him his dick.
After whooping some thug ass, Dalton and Wade go out for celebratory drinks and share “scar” stories (just like in Chasing Amy, neat!). Then we see this:
So Doc and Dalton begin to date, and she tells him that his life is not too ugly for her. Uhhhh how so? He beats men up for a living and is getting stabbed on a regular basis. If I were a woman, this is exactly the type of guy I would be trying to avoid. No thanks. On a more serious note, what sort of message does this send women? That as long as your man has wavy hair and practices tai chi, it’s totally ok that he is a brute who uses violence daily to earn his dollar. I get that Dalton is supposed to be a human, and as such deserves happiness. But I really don’t see their relationship ending in anything other than violence, or at least destroyed dreams.
Dalton is picked up and brought to Wesley’s compound for a job interview (‘cause if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em?). We learn that Wesley’s grandfather was an asshole and that Wesley is responsible for bringing a series of big chain stores to the small town. Wesley reveals that he knows of Dalton’s dirty past, and tries to blackmail him into a job. When Dalton refuses, Wesley shuts off alcohol distribution to the Double Deuce.
Inevitably, we learn (from the blind guy, who is naturally more observant than everyone else) that once upon a time Brad Wesley had a thing for Elizabeth Clay. (Hey Doc – you need to reevaluate your taste in men, its godawful.) When Dalton calls in a shipment of alcohol to save the Double Deuce, Wesley’s thugs intercept the truck and beat up Dalton. But just as our hero is on the brink of defeat, Wade Garrett (Sam Elliott) shows up and tells a guy that he sure ain’t gonna show him his dick.
After whooping some thug ass, Dalton and Wade go out for celebratory drinks and share “scar” stories (just like in Chasing Amy, neat!). Then we see this:
THOSE ARE DEFINETLY SAM ELLIOTT’S PUBES OK
Before the scene can properly end, we shift locales – from an empty bar to an empty diner. Then the conversation carries on as if nothing happened. I’m not sure if this edit was made to cut out extraneous information or to link two separate scenes or just to utilize as many locations as possible, but the moment is awkward and confusing and definitely takes you out of the story (like you were all that wrapped up in it anyway!!). I’m just saying, guys, if you’re going to make a movie that is so ludicrous, so poorly acted and ridiculously setup, at least make a solid attempt at maintaining spatial continuity.
But I digress, because we learn some extremely important information in this scene. Dalton has killed a man! Like, killed him dead. But it’s okay; the man was only the HUSBAND of the woman Dalton was sleeping with at the time.
In a series of epic assaults on freedom and the town in general, Wesley attempts to drive Dalton from the city and win Doc back. First, he blows up Red’s place. Then he takes his beat up, jazzercising whore to the Double Deuce where she does a strip tease for an all-too-participatory Dalton. As if this all wasn’t childish already, Wesley orders one of his men to do this:
But I digress, because we learn some extremely important information in this scene. Dalton has killed a man! Like, killed him dead. But it’s okay; the man was only the HUSBAND of the woman Dalton was sleeping with at the time.
In a series of epic assaults on freedom and the town in general, Wesley attempts to drive Dalton from the city and win Doc back. First, he blows up Red’s place. Then he takes his beat up, jazzercising whore to the Double Deuce where she does a strip tease for an all-too-participatory Dalton. As if this all wasn’t childish already, Wesley orders one of his men to do this:
Yes, a grown-ass man just drove a monster truck through a car dealership. Are you still watching? Do you still care about Road House or the characters in it? This scene didn’t totally take you out of the movie? Good, then let’s continue. But first, let me park my monster truck brah.
Because Dalton’s mere presence is literally causing damages in the hundreds of thousands of dollars, and because insurance rates are going up, his friends try to get him to leave.
Wade tries to convince him. He won’t listen.
Doc tries to convince him:
Wade tries to convince him. He won’t listen.
Doc tries to convince him:
THIS COMPOSITIONAL FRAMING IS EXPLOSIVE!!!!!!
But Dalton is a badass and no amount of destruction or property damage will get him to leave. So Wesley blows up Emmet’s house. Then Dalton gets into a fight with Jimmy, Wesley’s head goon, and kills him by ripping his throat out. Take that, rewind it back: HE RIPS A MAN’S THROAT OUT.
Jimmy is a pretty terrible person, I guess. He used to fuck guys like Dalton in prison, which makes him pretty gross, but he’s also a crazy, violent thug. I’m still unsure how the audience is supposed to sympathize with the guy ripping someone’s throat out. I guess its self-defense? It was Dalton or Jimmy, one of them had to die? But still, ripping someone’s throat out is deliberate and aimed to cause death. Boo, Dalton. We are supposed to be on your side against the cold-blooded killers. Instead, you have become one.
In retaliation for Jimmy’s death, Wesley kills Wade. And in a rare moment of art (sarcasm there), a single drop of blood rolls across Wade’s rose tattoo.
In retaliation for Jimmy’s death, Wesley kills Wade. And in a rare moment of art (sarcasm there), a single drop of blood rolls across Wade’s rose tattoo.
Is this supposed to symbolize how Wade/Dalton’s innocence has forever been tarnished by Wesley’s actions? The sentimentality of it is incredibly overwrought. When Dalton finds Wade’s body, he begins an assault on Wesley’s compound that includes great moments such as this:
and this:
“A POLAR BEAR FELL ON ME.”
Dalton navigates the compound, killing Wesley’s hired hands as he goes along. When he finally gets to Wesley, Wesley challenges him to a fight and Dalton kicks his ass. Right before Dalton is about to rip Wesley’s throat out (that’s just classic Dalton, dude – ripping people’s throats out) his tender, NYU-philosophy-degree, ”pain don’t hurt” side takes over, and he spares him.
Then the businessmen of the town murder Wesley. They each take turns shooting him. Then Red collects the guns, and the cops arrive, and everyone says they didn’t see anything. And this works. No one seeing anything is enough for the cops to close the case apparently, these cops being the same ones who were apparently wrapped so tightly around Wesley’s fingers, and everyone lives happily ever after. Except me, or anyone else who had to watch the movie.
This movie has got some glaring flaws – the characterization, the plot holes, the acting, the music, the fashion, the sound design (some of Wesley’s gunshots are too quiet) – but it isn’t totally without merit. There are some great lines:
Jimmy: Prepare to die.
Dalton: You are such an asshole.
and
Emmett: Can you afford that much?
Dalton: If it keeps you in the good graces of the church.
Emmett: Ain’t it peculiar how money seems to do that very thing?
At heart, the movie is essentially a Kurosawa samurai epic or a Sergio Leone western. A lone man comes to a corrupt town, finds more corruption than anticipated, and single-handedly takes down the filth responsible for the corruption. Yojimbo, anyone? For A Few Dollars More, anyone? Unfortunately for Rowdy Herrington and co., much of the effectiveness of these stories relies on their setting. Dalton’s quest for justice, in the 1980s Midwest is absurd when you realize that centralized government and organized law enforcement are very real parts of this world.
Or I suppose the film could be a meditation on the strength of human determination, much like 127 Hours. The only difference being that Aron Ralston is very smart, and Dalton borders on complete mental incapacitation. As a serious film about finding love in trashy roadhouses and saving small Midwestern towns from evil moguls, the film fails completely. As a terrible 80s film that is so bad that it is enjoyable to watch, it succeeds excessively, and in fact gets more enjoyable with each additional viewing. I’m sorry for being so harsh and critical of you, Road House. It’s just that I thought you’d be bigger.
Then the businessmen of the town murder Wesley. They each take turns shooting him. Then Red collects the guns, and the cops arrive, and everyone says they didn’t see anything. And this works. No one seeing anything is enough for the cops to close the case apparently, these cops being the same ones who were apparently wrapped so tightly around Wesley’s fingers, and everyone lives happily ever after. Except me, or anyone else who had to watch the movie.
This movie has got some glaring flaws – the characterization, the plot holes, the acting, the music, the fashion, the sound design (some of Wesley’s gunshots are too quiet) – but it isn’t totally without merit. There are some great lines:
Jimmy: Prepare to die.
Dalton: You are such an asshole.
and
Emmett: Can you afford that much?
Dalton: If it keeps you in the good graces of the church.
Emmett: Ain’t it peculiar how money seems to do that very thing?
At heart, the movie is essentially a Kurosawa samurai epic or a Sergio Leone western. A lone man comes to a corrupt town, finds more corruption than anticipated, and single-handedly takes down the filth responsible for the corruption. Yojimbo, anyone? For A Few Dollars More, anyone? Unfortunately for Rowdy Herrington and co., much of the effectiveness of these stories relies on their setting. Dalton’s quest for justice, in the 1980s Midwest is absurd when you realize that centralized government and organized law enforcement are very real parts of this world.
Or I suppose the film could be a meditation on the strength of human determination, much like 127 Hours. The only difference being that Aron Ralston is very smart, and Dalton borders on complete mental incapacitation. As a serious film about finding love in trashy roadhouses and saving small Midwestern towns from evil moguls, the film fails completely. As a terrible 80s film that is so bad that it is enjoyable to watch, it succeeds excessively, and in fact gets more enjoyable with each additional viewing. I’m sorry for being so harsh and critical of you, Road House. It’s just that I thought you’d be bigger.
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